the pros and cons: FLARE

This is something I decided to do. I woke up this morning realizing what I was spending most of my time on, was not what I loved to do. Sure, immediacy is often necessary. But not constantly because it needs to be taken in d o s e s. It becomes invasive if you let it. And believe me, you have no choice in doing otherwise once committed. I made a list of what I love. None of which was I able to enjoy (at all). Everything became shortened, brief.

What I love: 
A good sleep
Real genuine conversations with real genuine everyday people
Exercise and all around healthiness

How how I was affected:
F: I rarely see them. This saddened me. Family is the only thing close to permanent in life. And even they aren't permanent. As I'm witnessing presently. Time is more than precious.
L: There is no time to enjoy it. It is an activity that requires the presence of both leisure and pleasure.
A: I have nightmares. Each and every night. I wake up and it's the first thing on my mind. I dread it, it pushes back everything else I have to do.
R: I miss my friends.  I desire trust and truth. Having conversations with them that aren't work related. Having conversations that aren't me panicking and them dealing with me. I miss being the teacher. Having the time and patience to assist others. Be true and genuine to myself and them.
E: I'm the type of girl who needs to play. I've always been active. On multiple sports teams. Or in yoga. I need to go to the gym and exercise at least three times a week or I am miserable and slow. I simply have no time. Because I have no time, I also eat garbage. Kielbasa is not for dinner, then lunch and dinner the next day.

Plato says that it is very important to sort your desires as I did. What truly makes you happy vs. what you think makes you happy. The desire for things that encourage the soul not harm.

It is hard to do so, but can you do the same? 


The good readers and the good writers. Both are lovers and composers of texts. Makers of the harmonious whole. Assemblers; creators of work.

the text, the work.
the parts, the whole.
limbs, bones, etc vs. the mind

the fragments vs. harmoniousness


The Herschel Supply Co.

Never, ever have I lusted after a backpack. Or felt the absolutely necessity to have one. Usually a tote suffices. Increased workload means increased lbs on the shoulder.

So badly do I want one of Herschel Supply Co's backpacks. Stylish, functional and with a long history. Their lookbook photos reminded me of a roll of film I took in the Spring, which are the bottom two.


200 & the m00n

Does anyone else not find it odd that we fling heavy duty machinery out into space? Probes make problems. Like this one, that "Just doesn't want to come down." Who knows what's up there. Astronauts have a bright idea or two. If you find one black hole, you're going to find another. By using a Zeiss-telescope maybe we can see a galaxy. 

 "Earthlings can take comfort in the fact that no one has ever been hurt by falling space junk — to anyone's knowledge."

How comforting. 

After seeing Another Earth, my firm believing is well, another Earth is confirmed.

Probe on.

This post is my 200th in 2011.
"Our tragedy today is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it. There are no longer problems of the spirit. There is only the question: When will I be blown up? Because of this, the young man or woman writing today has forgotten the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat."

-William Faulkner 


just hanging out in graveyards.

g r a v e y a r d g i r l s

photos Kat Willson
styling and make-up Bri Fost
hair Mel Bortoluzzi
videographer Madi Cash
model julianne maria & myself

femme fatales & mon amies.


old files

While searching for a file on my computer, I stumbled across something called "30 books". I have no idea where I found it.

It recommends 30 novels for me after this brief character description:

"Your lesson is the development and expansion of your mental consciousness. Find a good teacher and spend a good part of your time and energy on learning from his wisdom."

Which is freakishly accurate considering a lesson I'm going to in a few days from a great, wise man.
I picked out a few that I will likely read:

1. For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway A short, powerful contemplation on death, ideology and the incredible brutality of war.
2. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald Set in the Jazz Age of the roaring 20s, this book unravels a cautionary tale of the American dream. Specifically, the reader learns that a few good friends are far more important that a zillion acquaintances, and the drive created from the desire to have something is more valuable than actually having it.
3. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck Steinbeck’s deeply touching tale about the survival of displaced families desperately searching for work in a nation stuck by depression will never cease to be relevant.
4. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse A powerful story about the importance of life experiences as they relate to approaching an understanding of reality and attaining enlightenment.

Well this was a nice surprise! 

"The tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth."

Lo. Lee. Ta.

Vladimir Nabokov


From trains long and a day in the air, and little forethought  I said, "See you there". And with tired eyes and our bodies drunk with love, we dragged our well-traveled feet through the streets of Prague.

Gonzo and practice sentences

And they teach me not to start sentences just the way I did; and I defy it. The fun of rhetoric (or so I'm finding) is making good use and collecting the terms; just to abuse. Instead of reading my textbook, I sought out  Tender is the Night by F.S Fitzgerald. It turns out his writing is not textbook rhetorical, and perhaps not even rhetorical at all. I found he averages less than one sentence per page that could be classified in this way, which is perfect.

Another abuser of rhetoric; who was likely a master of it: Hunter S. Thompson. The man behind Gonzo Journalism.

How to write Gonzo:

1. "Fiction is the fact"
2. Have a drink
3. Have another

I got off the plane around midnight and no one spoke as I crossed the dark runway to the terminal. The air was thick and hot, like wandering into a steam bath. Inside, people hugged each other and shook hands...big grins and a whoop here and there: "By God! You old bastard! Good to see you, boy! Damngood...and I mean it!"

In the air-conditioned lounge I met a man from Houston who said his name was something or other--"but just call me Jimbo"--and he was here to get it on. "I'm ready for anything, by God! Anything at all. Yeah, what are you drinkin?" I ordered a Margarita with ice, but he wouldn't hear of it: "Naw, naw...what the hell kind of drink is that for Kentucky Derby time? What'swrong with you, boy?" He grinned and winked at the bartender. "Goddam, we gotta educate this boy. Get him some good whiskey..."

Now that was fantastic. Why can't the news all look like this? All of our bodies laced with toxins, our words strung together like lanterns guiding a pathway in the night. The allegorical pathway-leading you to the truth in the end-but listening to stories is better than truth is it not? However full of fact we fill our journalism-isn't the fictional story better? Even if there are 99% accuracies and one exaggeration that makes the article that much better? Which would you prefer to read now?

We get so carried away in finding that "true", and unbiased or pushy voice, that we forget we are humans, we like stories. We tell them all the time. Laced with toxins and exaggerations.

Ideal rhetoric:
The girl loved to read the book.

The reading of the book was done by the girl.

I would chose to write the first sentence, but with complex mannerisms. Like..

She was the kind of girl who loved reading Anna Karrennena, for the hell of it.

 the instruction and destruction of them


The sale of old and cherished loves, with the hopes of maybe, just maybe buying a bit more time.

Sending love to Cambodia.


preview of graveyard girls.



A short (and lo-qual) walkabout in Praha.



"And at once I knew I was not magnificent..
and I could see for miles, miles miles"


"The computer is lifeless, but there's a sheer joy in manual typing, It's a kind of music."

                          "Bicycles survived after cars. Why not typewriters? Let there be free choice, I say."


The nicest part of Nice was the friends that I made and the seemingly endless nights.
Floating in the ocean 'til 5 am seems pretty ideal to me.


Steinbeck reality check

These are the two most helpful things I've found for assisting the writing process.

John Steinbeck says,
"The simplest way to overcome this is to write it to someone, like me."
"In the first place, the nameless, faceless audience will scare you to death and in the second place, unlike the theatre, it doesn't exist. In your writing, your audience is one single reader."

Thanks for the reality check.

P.S- I've decided to address my articles to Walt Whitman.